While Trevor was having a look around the Jagatsukh, I was exploring my mind at a meditation retreat. Suan Mokk - a forest monastery in Surat Thani province - offers a 10-day session with instruction in English. I'd been looking at it ever since I decided not to go to India, but was a little intimidated. My last attempts at meditation were part of my college yoga class, and mostly I just fell asleep every time. The instructor would come by and gently nudge me, saying "work on staying awake." The online description of this retreat sounded pretty rough: two meals a day, a 10-day vow of silence, wooden pillows... it probably wouldn't fit into my schedule anyway, I thought. School prep, visiting friends, etc. No time. Two days before the start date, my calendar magically cleared, so I set off for Surat, feeling very uncertain about the whole thing.

Schedule for days 1-8:

04:00 *** Rise & Shine
04:30 *** Reading
04:45 Sitting meditation
05:15 Yoga / Exercise
07:00 *** Morning Talk & Sitting meditation
08:00 Breakfast & Chores
10:00 *** Dhamma Talk
11:00 Walking or Standing meditation
11:45 Sitting meditation
12:30 *** Lunch & Chores
14:30 *** Meditation Instruction & Sitting Meditation
15:30 Walking or Standing meditation
16:15 Sitting meditation
17:00 *** Chanting & Loving Kindness Meditation
18:00 Tea & Hot spring
19:30 *** Sitting meditation
20:15 Group walking meditation followed by Sitting meditation
21:00 *** Bedtime Goodnight ...
22:00 LIGHTS OUT
(*** signifies that the Large Bell will be rung just before the activity begins.)

The living conditions are, well, monastic. Suan Mokk International, where the retreats are held, is a couple kilometers from the monastery itself, on very pleasant semi-forested grounds, with several large ponds. The rooms are little concrete cells (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) with a concrete shelf built in as a bed. You get a straw mat, a blanket, a mosquito net, a lantern (candle) and a wooden pillow. Two meals a day - very plain, wholesome vegetarian food - and tea or Milo (sort of like hot chocolate) at dinner time. Men and women have separate sides of the dining and meditation halls, as well as separate hot springs. The hot springs are in secluded natural settings, and are a welcome relief after evening tea, loosening up those tired back muscles just in time for one last stretch of sessions. Almost all of the sitting meditation sessions are in a large hall with a sand floor and no walls, leaving us open nature - leafy green views, birdsong, and mosquitoes. We picked our meditation spots on orientation day, and spent every session on our very own burlap sack, 2'x2' cushion, and two pillows to support us in our chosen posture(s).

The type of meditation taught at Suan Mokk is called Anapanasiti, or mindfulness with breathing, as it was taught by Ajarn Buddhadasa - the monk who founded the monastery. There's quite a bit more about that on their website, but from the beginner's perspective, you basically concentrate on your breathing, following it in-and-out-and-in-and-out-and-in-and-out while trying not to think about the future, or the past, or anything at all except your breath. Try it for five minutes, I dare you. You quickly find that the mind is a very, very busy place. The biggest challenge is trying to convince your wayward brain that breathing is more interesting than thinking about that movie you saw last month with that actress... what's her name again? -- oh, right, meditating-- in---out---in---out -- oooooh! I have a whole Ziploc baggie full of Easter candy waiting for me back in the apartment! Yippee! -- shoot. supposed to be meditating-- in---out---in---out---in - Buddhist nuns don't really look much like nuns at home. That whole shaved head business. "The hills are alive..." -- no... meditation time-- in---out---in---out -- and the bell rings. The first few days were mostly 45-minute sessions of that. I might have given up fairly early on, except for the extremely patient and well-timed instruction offered by all of the fantastic folks who volunteer their time to staff the retreat.

Aside from the afternoon chanting session and optional interviews with instructors for those of us having trouble with the meditation, most of us kept the silence for the entire 10 days. In a lot of ways, this was a relief. It was nice to focus on the reason for being there, rather than having to be social. And the retreat wasn't easy - I think we were all sore, and frustrated, and not used to living in a monastic setting. I think a lot of what we might have said would have been venting our difficulties, and not exactly conducive to our purpose there. Silence was also a great help in "being mindful", which was a major focus of the retreat. The idea is that one should stay in the present moment all the time, and be aware of where you are and what you're doing. So again, less thinking and fewer mental distractions. Trying to keep your actions silent as well as your voice is a great way of becoming much more aware of every motion you make. Working on staying mindful all the time is really difficult, but helped create a frame of mind much more conducive to meditation.

As for things NOT conducive to meditation... Who knew the back had so may different individual places that could complain about sudden over-use? Thankfully, we did yoga for almost two hours every morning - led by Machee Aree (AKA The Bendy Nun). By the end of the retreat I could almost manage all of the various sitting meditation sessions without ending hunched over in a very non-meditative posture. It helped that I started making more progress on the staying-focused front after day three. I could really feel that I was getting somewhere in training my brain. I would recognize almost right away when my attention started to wander, and manage longer and longer stretches when that didn't happen. You eventually reach a certain level of concentration where you experience some really interesting physical and mental sensations... it actually feels like you've gotten lighter, and you get a sort of happy buzz. You no longer have to follow your breath as closely all the way from nose-tip to navel (the figurative end-point of the breath) in order to keep your attention from wandering. It's when you can consistently reach this level of focus that you can begin to cross over into "Insight meditation". Or so we were told. I'm a little hazy on exactly how all of that works, or exactly what to expect... I'm still working on that focusing bit, and figure I'll cross the Insight bridge when and if I come to it. My current challenge is staying focused and productive during those sessions that aren't going so well... gently bringing myself back as many times as necessary to the breathing without being critical of myself.

Day 7 was a landmark day for me. I hadn't slept much at all the night before, as I was scheduled to give the morning reading, and I was nervous. It went fine, and the rest of the day was maybe my best from a successful-meditation standpoint. In one session I was just reaching that point of lightening and lifting when the bell rang. The bell for the end of sessions wasn't the big monastery bell, but a little one the session leader/instructor would tap three times when the time was up. My whole body rang with the bell. It may have been the strangest thing I've ever felt. In the next session, I was really deeply focused when I felt a tap on my knee - my neighbor was pointing to the frog that was nestled in between one of my pillows and my leg. I didn't see any reason to shoo it away, so I went back to meditating, and at the finish of a very good session, she was still there.

Days 8 and 9 were harder. I was frustrated that my back still hurt, and if a session didn't go well, I'd feel like I'd totally failed... which was giving me some kind of weird meditation performance anxiety. Luckily, we had The Loving Kindness Lady. I never figured out her name, and I think she was a layperson, not a nun, but she gave a talk about the importance of loving kindness in meditation, and how it begins with loving (accepting, forgiving, etc.) yourself. Until you love yourself, you cannot love others. In our interview, she said that when I felt self-doubt, instead of trying to ignore or avoid it, I should turn toward it and say "hello good friend". She explained that these challenges and difficulties present us with our best opportunities to learn and grow. She also said that I should be using my successes and some loving kindness meditation to build up the positive energy in my heart, and draw on that strength when confronting challenges. I left the interview wondering how and when I'd let my positive feelings toward myself ebb to such a low point, and decided that cultivating some loving kindness toward myself should definitely be a higher priority.

All of the "Dhamma talk" sessions giving instruction on Buddhist teachings were really interesting as well, and a good compliment to the meditation practice. It took some adjusting to slow to the teaching pace and very different instructional style of monks whose first language is not English, but it was good to learn to slow down and listen. The teachings of the Buddha can be an enriching experience for anyone, regardless of their faith, and I appreciated the spirit of openness with which the talks were given. Personally I remain undecided on the self/no-self issue. I think my subconscious doesn't care for the idea... on about day 9 it staged a mini-rebellion, with a whole assortment of songs popping into my head that prominently featured the word "I". Perhaps most notably "I am the one and only / nobody I'd rather be / I am the one and only / You can't take that away from me..." I don't even know who sings it, and it may or may not have been an improvement over the Sound of Music medley I'd been trying to suppress all week.

To sum up a really long post, the retreat was by no means easy, but it's probably the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time. Setting up a regular meditation practice outside of a retreat setting is easier said than done, but we have been doing yoga regularly. And Trevor and I are thinking about going back together for another 10 days after the school term ends.

Labels: meditation retreat, Thailand

Due to timing, we decided that our final ski trip would be up the Jagatsukh Valley. This conclusion involved carrying in 12 days of food allowing for many fun opportunities. So, with the backpacks full of food and some climbing gear, we weren't too ashamed to hire porters for the first day.

Rob and I went in a day ahead of Jeff and Dusty (our new great friends from Canada) as they wanted another day to get over some stomach illnesses we all endured. The trip started with good karma as we were able to drive up 600m and 10 km farther than expected. There is a huge hydro project going in (combining water from both the Jagatsukh and Hampta Valleys) and the worker's road enabled us access. While this project is great for access, the net result appears negative as man is tainting a most spectacular piece of nature.

After leaving the village of Khanol, we walked up the south side of the valley hearing consistent dynamite explosions from the north side, watching massive boulders being pushed down the cliff through dust storms, and trying to gauge the battle this development team was fighting. In addition to the steep eroded hillside the first 10 km of roadway switchbacks through, this blasting section was taking place on a few hundred foot cliff. Crazy.

Not soon enough, we were past the noise and into the Himalayan wilderness. This was apparent as we spotted many Himalayan griffons gliding around. To no surprise, we had to push our porters to get them up near snowline. Even though they only walked for four hours, it saved our bodies from hitting energy depletion on day 1. The next day Rob & I enjoyed a nice ski into a large basin before the afternoon thunderstorms began. This weather pattern was fairly consistent throughout our trip....decent mornings followed by afternoon showers accompanied with entertaining lightning and thunder.

Jeff and Dusty arrived that afternoon and we were all stoked to move camp up to the end of the valley into some primo ski terrain. Well, the weather pattern fluctuated that next day as we woke up to a little shower and after making a dash for it, had to set camp short of our final destination due to rain and hail. But finally, on day 4, we beat the weather to our destination and set up camp at the base of the Goru Valley.

From this camp, we optimized the weather windows and scored continuously great skiing. On the second full day there, Jeff, Robo, and I summited Pachim Pahar at about 5040m, enjoying some fast turns off the summit on a couple inches of new snow and then a great gully ski to the valley floor 1100m later.

On our third day we ventured farther up the Goru, each few minutes gaining additional looks at tasty terrain. There was one ridgeline providing a couple steep chutes that awakened all of our taste buds and we knew we had to sample its spice before this trip of gluttony was over. The next day we climbed up around these lines and soon found ourselves on top of the desired goodies. Peering over the edge onto our options, we began getting nervous stomach flutters, wondering if we were eligible for such fine dining. With stable conditions, we could not leave such culinary treats to spoil with the springtime heat.

Robo, our professional paparazzi for the trip, dropped into the central chute first to get some photos. Dusty followed linking consistently great turns down a wonderful fall line. Jeff decided to ski a sportier line skier's left, forcing him to make a couple turns above a rock band and through some rocks to enter the chute proper. He made it happen and put a new hunger in my belly. Seeing there were many delicacies left in that line, I also went left.

We were all breathing heavily half way down our chutes requiring a quick rest before finishing. At the bottom we shared hoots and hollers as the endorphins raged through our bodies.

The next day was our last day of skiing as we needed to move camp down the valley before the long march back to civilization. All still buzzing from the previous outing, we were content to just get some turns in for the last time of the season. We ascended a high point at the end of the Goru Valley rewarding us with views into the Malana Valley and further east amongst the peaks of Spitti. We skied steep chutes back into the basin and then, sure enough, decided to muster the energy to boot back up for one last feast off our favorite ridgeline.

This time Robo and I skied a line skier's right adjacent to a hanging glacier. Robo went first, not scared to let his sticks bomb over hard pack steepness. Quite impressive. I felt things out; more hesitant to make a mess but still excited to explore a new treat. Dusty put together another smooth descent down the central chute and Jeff finished with a fantastic line coming directly into the central chute through some rocks.

Wow, what a trip of skiing. We were all happy to have skied some steep lines safely amongst big mountains and impressed to continue to enjoy each other's company. "Pick 'em up" and "5-3-5-2" were often hollered from one tent to the next to put a smile on our faces.

After this trip, Robo and I maximized on our one full day in Manali with some shopping and final chais or mango shakes with friends. Then it was an overnight bus to Delhi, some A/C movie time with the bro before departing ways, then an overnight flight to Bangkok followed by an an overnight train to our apartment here in Hat Yai. I enjoyed that first night of good sleep before waking early and heading to school to teach English to Thai elementary students.

Yes, that's right, I have decided to teach and am stoked for the challenges! Due to Em's respectable performance, her program (Smart English) has hired me for a part-time position this term. When meeting with the boss, she (and all the Smart English team) reassured me that I would do well since I have Em for help..."she is the best."

After the first two days, I am optimistic about the situation. I have fourteen hours of class time and so far the class size has not exceeded 30 students. I have a Thai teaching assistant, Jeen, and there is another Smart English instructor (with Thai assistant) at the school, which makes for good lesson sharing in addition to the respectable library Em has created. It is apparent that one could choose to just get by and lean on the given materials or create some fun lesson plans (with contingencies of course) and be that much more competent. So, I have lots of work to get caught up and then comfortably ahead.

In addition, both Em and I are also teaching some private classes two afternoons a week through a program Em's friends just began. We had our first session yesterday and it was nice to be in a classroom with only eight students and also a Thai teaching assistant. The not-so-nice surprise was the four parents who also attended the hour and a half class. Turns out it was all good and they were supportive of what I did.

So, from the Indian Himalayan peaks straight to the Thai urban classroom. Pretty cool.

Em is great and it is wonderful to learn some of the strengths she gained during her meditation retreat, which she plans to write something about later.

And finally, we are both very excited to be on similar schedules these next few months!

Labels: India, Kullu Valley, ski touring

My Grandma Nina passed away on Friday. She'd been out working in her garden the week before - finished planting the dahlias and moving on to the begonias - and had a stroke. Grandma was an extremely active 86. All of us are glad she was able to do what she loved, right up until the week before her 87th birthday. Her autobiographical obit (on the right) sums up what she thought was most important. Not long ago, she and I traded emails talking about teaching, and we were looking forward to talking more when I got home. It was fun to be sharing something she felt so passionately about.